The secret to a strong relationship is that you merge your love and sexual energies within you and share that constantly. This creates a unique vibration between you, like your own radio frequency. It’s a frequency that has the warmth and support of love yet with a zest, a frission of the sexual. It is a potent energy.
This frequency manifests in myriad small ways throughout the day - in looks, touches, comments, tokens (gifts, surprises, services). I’ve described this in other blogs as sharing ‘quanta of deliciousness’, maintaining the 'mmm' factor, and focusing on the 'beforeplay' .
When you keep this frequency strong it creates a depth of connection, a profound intimacy. It makes it both easier to move into genital sexual connection, as you are already so connected it’s not a great jump (important for people who have resistance or difficulty being interested in genital interaction), and paradoxically genital sexual connection becomes less important because you already have a strong sexual energy flowing between you (important for those who have a strong need or urgency for genital interaction). read more...
The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!
A couple who had been regular clients for most of the year finished their time with me recently. At their final session they told me they realized they were 'fixed' because they'd been out to dinner and found themselves happily talking about their sex life as though it was a normal part of life…. read more...
I find people's views on sex fascinating, even after over eight thousand hours of talking to people in detail about their sex lives! There's so much diversity around what we think of as “normal” or “abnormal” - far more diversity than you'd think if you based it on the media or general opinion.
I could go on and on about the range of opinions people have about what “normal” is.
But in my considerable experience as a Sex Therapist I’ve discovered that the idea of “normal” has little basis in anything other than what people themselves have experienced in their own lives.
Interestingly, whether they think that their own experience is normal or abnormal seems to be based more on their level of self-esteem than anything else:
How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways…
1. I say it with words of love and affection
2. I touch you with love and affection
3. I give you gifts
4. I spend time with you
5. I do things for you
I’m sure that Shakespeare in his wisdom about human relationships would have agreed with these five ‘languages’ of love. It’s actually the modern-day author Gary Chapman who came up with them.
It's the new year, a time for committing to bettering yourself. What better area of life to commit to focusing on than your love life?!
Whether you're single or partnered, we can all focus on that fundamentally important contributor to health, happiness and well-being - your sexuality!
So I'd like to suggest you commit to a Year of Great Sex! Let's call it your 'Great Sex' Project.
Given how busy and distracted we all are, it's the 'getting to sex' stage that's the most challenging for modern couples. I call this stage of sex 'Beforeplay'. It's the transition phase necessary to remove you from the stresses of the day, and get the two of you connecting, maintaining the 'mmm' factor and building up some of that erotic frission...
As the famous quote from John Cleese in “the Meaning of Life” goes: “You don’t just go barreling on down to the clitoris! What’s wrong with a kiss?”
Too many people wrongly think that the clitoris is some kind of magical on/off button for women’s arousal. Too mainly people wrongly believe that if you start playing with her clitoris then she’ll be ready for “the main event” (i.e, intercourse).
But genital stimulation is not foreplay.
Personally I refer to any kind of genital interaction as “sex”: oral sex, manual sex, intercourse.
Foreplay is what you do before you get genital... read more...
Sexual pleasure involves so much more than just what your genitals are doing.
Engaging the senses is a crucial element to heightening sexual pleasure.
Just as the experience is more enjoyable and satisfying the more you engage the senses and make it a whole experience when you eat - think grabbing a bite to eat on the run as opposed to a sit down meal - so it is with sex. read more...
Sex is one of the great forms of human self-expression. It's a place where creativity, physical movement, pleasure and joy can manifest, just like the other forms of human expression - music, art, design, dance, cooking, sport, even writing. read more...
I like to divide sexual encounters in a long-term relationship into three types:
Simple Sex – short and comforting
Sensual Sex - luscious and bonding
Spicy Sex – exciting and adventurous
- Solo Sex: Mindful Masturbation
- Own the Crone
- Porn Star vs Prude
- “When One is Pretending, the Whole Body Revolts”
- Non-Linear Love-Making: the Picnic Approach to Sex
- Your Bedroom As Sanctuary
- Sexy Debriefing
- Getting "Love Drunk"
- Make-Over Your Sex Life
- Be Real, Express Freely
- The Fairy Tales Got It Wrong
- Are Humans Naturally Monogamous - and if not, what does that mean?
- Evolve with the Seven Elements of Sexuality
- Getting to Sex can be like getting to the Gym
to my LOVELIFE blog for regular inspiration on sex, love and intimacy!