The standard approach to sex is rather like a three course meal, it proceeds in set stages: you kiss a bit, fondle a bit (maybe give her an orgasm), then have vigorous intercourse until he comes. The End.
It’s not a bad model for sex, but it’s limited, and can get pretty boring over time.
I suggest you take a less lineal approach to sex and think of it less like a three-course meal and more like a picnic. At a picnic everything is available in front of you and you can pick and choose whatever you want, in whatever quantity, at whatever pace, and in whatever order you please. read more...
The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!
What is your bedroom like? Is it a relaxing and rejuvenating place separate from the cares of the world?
When you walk into your bedroom, do you go “Aaahh!” and smile because you feel more restful just being there?
Is your bedroom a sanctuary that you can chill out together in? read more...
No, I’m not talking about getting your knickers off!
I’m talking about talking about your sex. That in itself can be sexy and extend the deliciousness of the sexual interaction. It’s also the only way you’re going to give each other quality feedback. read more...
You can tell when a woman is really aroused: her face glazes over.
She’ll feel kind of “stoned” or “love drunk” on the inside and she’ll look it on the outside.
At that point her brain is switching off (or at least, the left “logical” side of her brain), and her speech centres shut down so she can’t really talk. It’s quite an altered state of consciousness. read more...
Can you makeover your sex life?
Of course you can! That’s what I’m all about.
Essentially a makeover is when you realise you’re not living up to your potential in some area of life and you set about changing that. Many people simply accept their “lot” in life, excusing even the possibility of change with beliefs that: “I’m too old”, “I’m too poor”, “I’m too whatever”. Other people realise that we have agency to create our own lives, so it’s up to us to choose to be however we want to be. This applies as much to sex as any other part of life.
There's a beautiful quote from Anais Nin:
There came a day when the flower realized that the pain of remaining tight in a bud was greater than the risk of opening up and blossoming.
That's how people often feel about their sexuality before they come to see me. They can't bear being a tight bud any more, they can no longer deny their need to blossom. It's what I love in this work, whether it's with private clients or in the group workshops, people start to tap into their true selves and to allow themselves to be who they really are and express themselves honestly and openly.
The fairy tales got it wrong. Two do not become one and live happily ever after. Two halves do not make a whole. Rather, two complete people come together and form a third entity, their coupledom. You, me and us. Not just us.
'Two becoming one' is co-dependence. Two becoming three - two self-reliant individuals and a strong bond as a couple - that's what gives security and freedom in life.
There are some old sexual myths of men being “naturally promiscuous” to sow their seed, and women being “naturally monogamous” because it’s “natural” for a woman to be less sexual and on closer examination these myths have no basis in fact. The former because it is a misuse of evolutionary theory and the latter because it is based on historical suppression of women’s sexuality not their biological reality. (See A History of Sexual Misinformation for more on this.) read more...
Have you ever had a gigglegasm?
Do you even know what a gigglegasm is? read more...
Over my years of clinical and academic involvement in sexuality (not to mention countless hours of personal ‘research’) I have identified seven underlying elements to our sexuality.
These elements are all essential to having a strong, healthy, integrated sexuality. If you are weak in any of them, your sexuality will be out of balance.
These elements are also developmental, each element includes and transcends the ones before. If you jump ahead before you’ve developed and integrated the earlier elements, that too will cause your sexuality to be out of balance. read more...
- Non-Linear Love-Making: the Picnic Approach to Sex
- Your Bedroom As Sanctuary
- Sexy Debriefing
- Getting "Love Drunk"
- Make-Over Your Sex Life
- Be Real, Express Freely
- The Fairy Tales Got It Wrong
- Are Humans Naturally Monogamous - and if not, what does that mean?
- Evolve with the Seven Elements of Sexuality
- Getting to Sex can be like getting to the Gym
- Intensity Repels, Enticement Attracts. Like Chocolate Cake.
- Turn Yourself On and the World Turns On To You
- Therapy is Composting Your Sh*t
- Are You Flat-lining or Surfing in Life?
to my LOVELIFE blog for regular inspiration on sex, love and intimacy!