Over my years of clinical and academic involvement in sexuality (not to mention countless hours of personal ‘research’) I have identified seven underlying elements to our sexuality.
These elements are all essential to having a strong, healthy, integrated sexuality. If you are weak in any of them, your sexuality will be out of balance.
These elements are also developmental, each element includes and transcends the ones before. If you jump ahead before you’ve developed and integrated the earlier elements, that too will cause your sexuality to be out of balance.
It all starts with you - having a positive sense of self, centred, confident, balanced in your yin and yang elements. (Of course, we are never ‘perfect’, but without a reasonable level of self-awareness and balance it is not possible to be able to engage with a partner in a healthy manner.)
I call this your ‘Lady’and ‘Gentleman’ sides, someone who is confident, centred and self-aware.
Once you've got the hang of yourself, you need take that forward and 'meet' your partner - with equality, assessing for worthiness, identifying boundaries, co-creating safety so you can then explore with freedom.
You'll develop the side of yourself that I call 'The Amazon’ and ‘The Warrior', someone who is respectful, discerning, relaxed yet alert.
Once you've got that connection it's time to play - and you're not going to be able to do that if you're too serious, too in your head, or too laden with negative emotions of shame or pressure!
You'll develop the side of yourself that I call 'The Bawd’ and The Merrymaker', someone who is light, playful, shame-less and creative.
This is where you open your heart and pay attention to your partner, becoming an
expert on her or him, to really know them. This element is other-focused.
You'll develop the side of yourself that I call 'The Madonna’ and ‘The Lover', someone who is connected, compassionate, tender and attentive.
Once you’ve developed the ability to be other-focused, it's time to be self-focused, for the Art of Seduction is the art of getting someone to do what you want, for your mutual pleasure.
You'll develop the side of yourself that I call 'The Seductress’ and ‘The Seducer', someone who is inviting, subtle, sensual, enticing.
Once you’re able to be simultaneously other-focused and self-focused, you can really start to master sex, to be able to lead and revel in your skill:
You'll develop the side of yourself that I call 'The Maestra’ and ‘The Maestro', someone who is skillful, commanding, responsible and honourable.
Seven: Letting Go
Once you can do it all, you can let it go! You can let go to your partner and/or to the experience. This is where you discover the transcendent, mystical, spiritual possibilities of sex.
You'll develop the side of yourself that I call 'The Earth Gypsy’ and ‘The Transcender', someone who is open, vulnerable, porous, rapturous.
This is how we evolve in our sexuality. It’s not a hierarchy though, it’s actually a spiral, as the more we evolve through the levels, the more we come back to our Self, with each circuit of the spiral bringing a more aware evolved Self. It’s an unending spiral of growth and possibility!
To learn about this approach to growing sexuality, please register for my online course for men or online course for women (25% discount for both!) or come along to my Couples Retreats in Bali or Couples Retreat in the Blue Mountains.